I should’ve known better, and when I texted one of my best friends about my inclinations to reach out to my ex, she gave me a firm, “NO.”
I’m not sure what I was thinking…in fact, I don’t think I was doing much thinking at all.
Against my better judgement I started talking to him, after a three year hiatus of absolutely nothing.
Initially it was definitely a fun conversation-reminiscing about old times where the attraction was palatable. However, as the conversation progressed from minutes into hours, I realized I was falling back into my old patterns of clinging to the phone waiting for him to respond (in the days before the dot dot dot imessage bubble).
Anyway, as we kept talking, his bad traits from eons past came to the surface. Initially they were harmless-talking about what could’ve been and how we never really got to find out. Then when I asked him what really happened the night I blacked out but have since had recollections of more than kissing happening, he gave conflicting stories. One second it was, “well how much do you remember?” The next it was “I was a gentleman and wanted to wait until you were with it another time.”
I took it all in stride and reminded him both of our circumstances had changed and we were both in pretty long-time relationships. His response? “We’re only human, but we’re also adults.” I’m not sure what this was supposed to mean, but I understood more as the conversation progressed.
We briefly started talking about what was going on in our lives, and I mentioned all my GI issues and how it had had a dramatic affect on my body. All of a sudden he started insisting on pictures, which I wasn’t too keen about. When I told him to text his girlfriend for that stuff, he clammed up and got mad.
Then I apologized if I had upset him, and he told me that I wasn’t asking him to stop, I literally demanded it. Woah there, sorry if I was trying to keep it adult and not regress into flirty talk that could get us into trouble with our significant others.
He didn’t take well to this and promptly cut me off to go to bed. Understandable, as I too had an early wake up for my ethics exam.
In all, I’m kind of glad I dipped my toe in the pond again because it reminded me how absolutely disgusted I was by a man I had once had the highest regard for. To think I actually thought we could imagine what could have been…and to throw away all I’ve built with my current guy, definitely not worth it.
So to all the loser ex boyfriends and girlfriends, you’re an ex for a reason. Either too toxic, too needy, or just not the right fit…there’s a reason it ended and there shouldn’t be any reason to revisit any of those musty, feverishly intoxicating feelings ever again.