If you could go back in time and tell yourself to do something, that you didn’t, would you?
Twenty year-old me was more afraid of commitment than twenty-four year-old me is afraid of getting lower GI symptoms during tomorrow’s exam.
It’s almost comical as I sit here on the cusp of rounding our three years with the same guy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s great…but I feel like I’ve always compared him to my first love who gave me literal butterflies. Like, run to the bathroom to hurl because I was so freaking nervous to talk to him.
Part of me wonders what our story would have looked like if we had pursued it. The closest we got was a steamy parking lot series of kisses and some blurry memories after that. Sometimes I feel like he was the one that got away, and then I have to shake myself back to reality that I can’t think like that.
Plus, he’s in a long-term relationship too…just about as long as mine. I guess the situation is only compounded because we’re both with really sweet people (as far as I can tell on his end). The thing is, I have always wondered, and when we stopped talking three years ago, that feeling never quite went away.
I miss that excitement and not knowing what thrill would come next. But then again, I also like constantly knowing what to expect with my current boyfriend. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish we had given it a go so I wouldn’t be so inexplicably drawn to him.
A few likes on a Facebook post the other night on his end, out of the blue, ended up in me messaging him about how he was doing. That turned into him asking for my number and then a slew of text messages later, we have plans to meet up early next week.
Is this terrible? I should preface we’ve been friends since we were like eight…and that friendship over the years turned into this steamy chemistry that was never really acted upon. What does one do in a situation like this? Ask for a hallpass from our significant others? Continue suppressing everything?
At the end of the day, whatever place I was in when relationships blew up in my face, this guy was always there for me. Part of me really want to explore this further, but the logical part of me feels like it will only end up in tears.
It’s definitely an unrequited something.
More updates to come, maybe.
Spoonie Adventures in Books, Beauty, & Bullshit
I'm a twenty-something year old recent law and business school grad living with a chronic health condition. Follow along on my shenanigans.