Sometimes life is funny the way it plays out-the timing in a relationship is either super off, or it’s just right.
As I sit here trying to cram the Federal Rules of Evidence for a final I have tomorrow night, I can’t help but peruse photos with a hashtag for a wedding that’s happening today.
It’s not just any wedding of some stranger I stumbled upon while scrolling through what sometimes seems like a bottomless pit of social media posts.
It’s the wedding of the guy I dated whose breakup with me triggered my curiosity in online dating, and ultimately led to the relationship I have been in for the last several years.
It’s a wedding that, based on some light detective work, lasted for barely six months before a ring was thrown into the mix, and the two will have only been together for a little over a year and a half by the time they seal the deal “till death do they part.”
It’s to a guy who was one of the first people I wanted to, but never got the opportunity, to say “I love you.” Now I’m not sitting here filled with angst or regret, but merely reflection. Woulda’s and coulda’s have crept in, but at this point, more than four years later, I don’t wish that I was the one walking down an aisle to meet him.
In fact, I know in my own relationship getting married is something likely looming in the horizon within the next few years, so it’s not like I’m bitter and single and hopelessly jealous from afar.
I realize my writing today is a bit vague, largely in part due to over-studying and sleep deprivation. Not that I’ve stayed up ridiculously late prepping for this exam, but just when I’ve gone to bed late, for one reason or another, I’ve been woken up hours before my sweet alarm.
So in the wake of one chapter of my life literally closing, it’s kind of crazy how timing really can be everything. For this guy and I, I thought our timing couldn’t have been better and then the breakup caught me by surprise. Come to find out there was someone else, but that didn’t make the sting hurt any less. It was kind of like when you drop something in public-like spill the entire contents of a bag- and then try to pick up the pieces quickly without too many people staring or saying something.
I spent years trying to figure out what I’d done wrong as I sat outside that Chipotle/Starbucks and passively nodded along to his “it’s just not the best timing for us.” Now, as I sit here, I’d like to think I could have seen it coming. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been so guarded in my current relationship, but with my guy, it’s never felt forced or terse or that I’m walking on eggshells to keep it together.
For us, it’s kind of like a seamless dance (most of the time, unless I’m hangry) and we just ebb and flow together. The longer I’ve been in this relationship, the more I’ve found myself thinking about past relationships and why they never got to this point. Some of it was timing-like the first guy I met online dating who moved to Arizona before much else could transpire. Then there were the ones that triggered super red flags for one reason or another-too clingy, too jealous, too inclined to get angry quickly, etc. I guess as I get closer to realistically considering “forever” with my guy, I flip back like a rolodex and reminisce how I came to be where I am now.
For the guy I’m with now, it was unlike any previous romance I’d pursued-I guess you could say it was really good timing. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perfect, but we made it work. I was just about to graduate from college and he was trying to figure out how to transfer to a four-year college. Now, many years later, with one Masters and college behind me, I’m looking forward to my last two years of law school and wrapping up my MBA. He just registered for his last semester at his university, and come January, he’ll be pursuing his own business full-time, unless he finds a more exciting opportunity.
I remember my seventh-grade teacher told me high school would go by quickly, college would happen in the blink of an eye, and before I knew it, I’d be thirty. Here I am, only a few months away from 25 and so much has changed in only the last few years. I guess you could say, while this final is looming over me for the next 24ish hours, I’ve got so much to look forward to.
Reminiscing about the past is weird-it bubbles up memories that seem like a lifetime ago. The guy that’s getting married, back when I knew him, was adamant about being a doctor and telling everyone how prestigious his engineering classes were. Now, he’s a technician at a winery, living in a small town. I honestly hope that he’s happy because if it weren’t for his abrupt departure from my life, I wouldn’t have found the caring, generous man I’m with today.
I’d say everything happens for a reason, but that’s so overused. I truly think mediocre things unravel so better opportunities can come together (and you can quote me on that!). That’s not to say that guy was mediocre, but in hindsight, our time together was not something that would have developed into a positive relationship over time.
Now I’m off to resume learning about legal privileges and flow charts!