Sometimes we all need a little push in the direction we’re trying to navigate towards. Restarting law school has been one of the most challenging endeavors, in large part due to my internalized fears of not measuring up to who I thought people expected me to be.
In the months leading up to, and even during my first few of law school, I lost so many friends whom I had seen as pillars of my existence as I knew it. How do you believe, hell, even pretend to be happy when the ones you’d want to run to and share any kind of news with were no where to be found? I feel a little like a child learning to cook for the first time, and each time I make a friend, I wonder how long before I lean in too close and singe my hair or burn my hand?
I’m so trepidatious when it comes to letting people in, because when I did that, I got third degree burns all over. Metaphorically of course, but still, the scars they’ve left serve as daily reminders of how much more I could have lost. It’s really hard to pick back up and pretend nothing is wrong…to pretend and carry on like you weren’t abandoned and lied to.
This weekend I was supposed to run a 5K with someone I had considered a very close friend, but the last year or two we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. From my perspective, she’s seemed standoffish whenever she’s not in a relationship, and uses her single status to exclude me from things because I don’t enjoy getting blackout drunk and sloppy on a regular basis…really, not at all.
Anywhoo, we were supposed to do this race, but I hadn’t heard from her since the fizzle about my birthday plans a few weeks ago. I know she’s not living the hermit reclusive life…social media says otherwise when she’s spent the equivalent money she quibbled about with me for a reasonable hotel room on various concerts and alcoholic endeavors.
I realize everyone has different priorities, but it hurt to see her not even reach out after so badly blowing me off for my birthday.
I’m sure I’ve rambled on about lost friendships before, but in throes of such a rigorous academic schedule, at least for the next year and a half, I wish I didn’t have to start and restart, or in some cases, start over building friendships.
There’s probably a clever meme or inspirational quote somewhere in the depths of this post, but I should probably get back to my own pile of neglected assignments for the coming week.