It’s been a week. This time last week we had one of the best mornings together, only to have the most explosive fight later that day. I don’t think I’ve had one day since where I haven’t spontaneously combusted into tears. Like ugly crying for hours on end. I’ve cried so hard my face hurts, my eyes are swollen, and solid foods are a distant memory.
Actually, I’m really struggling to keep down anything that isn’t water.
I’ve wracked my brain a thousand times at what I could’ve done differently to have made this work. If only I’d reacted less to something, we wouldn’t have had this fight. If I had given more effort to get to know his family, maybe they would have been less threatened by my relationship with their son and known I had no intentions to take him away from them in any capacity.
The analytical part of my brain just wants a simple black and what explanation of what I could’ve done different so I could’ve been making dinner and Netflix plans with him tonight instead of crying over a pile of homework I just can motivate myself to do.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. This morning I woke up from a nightmare that my dog (the one who I adore and has never shown an ounce of aggression towards anyone or anything) had ripped my hand off. I also touched my head in the dream and all of my hair fell out. I woke up gasping for air, unable to keep it together.
Everyone keeps asking how they can help, and honestly, I don’t know. Check in on me in three weeks, three months, three years. I wish I had a time machine that could mend my heart, because it’s only been a week and I’m already tired of hurting so much.
Initially after this all went down, I quickly put up a flurry of online dating profiles. Well, as of yesterday, they’re all gone, because I know I’m not in the right headspace to talk to anyone except a shrink or friends that know me well. It kills me that once all of our trips and the apartment that we shared are divvied up, cancelled, and moved out, I won’t have any reason to call him up “just because.”
I hope one day I can look back on this and not get chills at how much pain I’m in right now. I hope I can look back on this relationship and remember the good times and how much kindness and love I was shown and was able to reciprocate.
I’m still not okay, but I know he and I are in a better place than we were a week ago, even if it’s working towards rebuilding our lives in two different directions. I only want the best for him, as I know he does for me. I don’t know about a friendship or even a rekindling, but I do know that but for the last five years, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Graduating from law school likely wouldn’t have been possible, and it’s because of his love and support that I’ve been able to slog through what seemed like an impossible goal. I don’t hate him. I do still love him – but in a different way than I did a week ago. I look at him with gratitude for finding me all those years ago in the early days of online dating. He may not be my forever, but he will always have a place in my heart.
Spoonie Adventures in Books, Beauty, & Bullshit
I'm a twenty-something year old recent law and business school grad living with a chronic health condition. Follow along on my shenanigans.