I hope I find this post next year and remember the girl who spent more nights than not unsure of what her future would look like. So much uncertainty, so much fear, and so much pain from a past she couldn’t let go of.
And then one day, just like that, she did.
Not all at once, but in pieces.
One of the first things she did by herself was a trip to the grocery store. It was terrifying because she didn’t have her best friend there to explore the aisles with. For months, that was their “fun activity” to do when the pandemic started and the world shutdown. Now, she finds solace in mindlessly meandering alone with her mask on to find easy dinner options for one. Full disclosure: initially most of those meals were from the the frozen section, but now she’s a little bit more adventurous with a deli add-on or two. It’s still depressing AF to cook in a kitchen laden with so many memories, but at least she’s no longer in that depressy post-breakup state of existence where ya just don’t eat for weeks on end.
Then it was driving a long distance by herself with no one to help her if she had a flare out in public. Those had become so frequent, it was pretty much cause for celebration if one didn’t happen while out and about. Remember that time at the baseball game two summers ago and she had to leave early because she didn’t make it to the restroom fast enough? That was rough, but now she doesn’t have anyone to catch her tears or tell her it will be okay, even if it absolutely doesn’t feel like it will be. This time she drove fifty miles (which was longer than she’d driven in years since the accident) and she did it all with this fragile calmness.
So many things scared her, but she kept doing them…again, and again, and again…and each time she grew a little more confident in her ability to oscillate alone in the world.
The fear still lingered, but instead of running away from it, she leaned in, a lot.
She leaned in so far, it was almost like she was embracing all the things that terrified her. In a series of moments, she was holding all of the fears that had stolen pieces of her mind and her dignity and her self confidence over the years.
Initially she had thought “it’ll be okay when I find someone who loves me and is there to support me through it,” but those someones came and went, and the truth is she had to first learn how to love herself.
Wholly. Completely. And without anyone else beside her, at least for right now.
There is no Prince Charming coming to rescue this damsel, because while she might very often find herself in a state of distress, it isn’t anything she can’t handle.
“I can do hard things” became her mantra and power tools, YouTube, and the fearlessness of a chihuahua became her method.
Sometimes when the ground falls beneath us, all we have left to do is trust that the only guarantee in life is uncertainty.
So she stopped planning for the future.
She tried to stop reliving the past and what she could have done differently.
And she only focused on the present…one damn day at a time.
Some days I feel like a badass and that I’m capable of taking on the world. Other days, I want to go back to sleep before I even get out of bed. I’ve tried to stop labeling one or the other as “good” or “bad” because they’re just part of the human experience.
But every day, I’m so damn grateful I have another opportunity to try again.
Because when you lose all of the direction and purpose you thought you once had, you have no choice but to forge ahead.
So forge I go, because I’ve never been one to not say 2LWithIt.